Women need to change their language too, it's not solely a men's issue.

The notion that women can't progress purely because of men is wrong. There are so many women who support the patriarchal view without even realising it. How we move forward as a society is dependent on the language we use and the actions we display. In this episode, I dive into this subject and give my perspective. 

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Transcript

Tara Ladd: 0:00

Just a heads up if you've got little ears around this podcast contains some swearing. Hi, you're listening to the Word, a straight shooter podcast that generates real conversations about the systemic issues surrounding working women motherhood, business ownership, and society as a whole. I'm your host, Tara Ladd, owner of brand design agency, your one and only mother of two boys, and a champion working in a balanced society. Hulu, Hulu, and welcome to this episode, where I am going to be talking about how as women, we need to change our own language. And I think if you're a men listening to this, you can help to call the women around you out on their own language as well. I think that as women, we're very quick to judge the fact that we go through what we do because of the patriarchy. But when in actual fact, the patriarchy is upheld by a lot of women. And I say that, because most of them don't even know. It's such an unconscious thing that we do that you don't even know that you're doing it. And there's instances where I'm calling myself out multiple times, or someone's calling me out. Like someone said, something to me recently about my husband helps me he doesn't help me it just that to secure his mean in doing that role as if the role is mine. And he assists in helping me when the language there should be, you know, we do it together. And it's little things like that. And I know that that sounds so minut. But it's little things like that, that contribute to a much larger issue. And there's lots of things that we hear and say about like the it's just the I was reading a community Post recently asking about the cost of a cleaner, although that's completely irrelevant to the conversation about to have with you. But the the point was that there was a lady asking for a clean on how much they that someone would charge for that. Now, aside from the fact that I'm obviously all about worth and charging what you're worth, I found that the conversation was quite demoralising, but the point of it was the people that were actually saying who can afford a cleaner or what mother doesn't have time to clean and it was it became very touchy. Like who the hell are these Packer pitches? It just blows my mind how someone chimes in with like, just scroll past today like but the one of one of the people that commented one of the women that commented said, I work and have four children and I still managed to clean my house. Congratulations, lady. But that's not what she's asking. She didn't ask to be mum shamed. She asked for a cleaner because you know, fuck all about what's happening in her life. Now, I have a cleaner, obviously. And I find that that is absolutely the best thing ever happened to me. I come home every fortnight on a Tuesday and my house is clean and I had didn't have to do it. Shut up and take my money. Thank you for doing what I don't want to do. And thank you for taking that burden off my shoulders for you know, I have better things to do on the weekend, like spend time with my kids, or go and have that much needed self care time that people whinge about that winch they told to have is what I'm saying there. You know, and that's a good four hours worth if you're going to clean the house properly with two kids for four hours if I'm generous. I think that yeah, it was just super judgy that that that woman went in and had a crack at her and I was just like what the hell like you need you need to stop. I think that this stuff about shaming other women it's just so I hate it. I'm all about lifting women up like I am so for it. So it just really like who hurt you. I just don't understand why it's almost like you know, it's a deflection that someone's actually jealous of the fact that someone's getting a cleaner and maybe they can't get one. I don't know. I just found it. I just find those things where someone gets on to shame someone. It's your way see it and especially by men in comments, like regarding childcare or someone asked me about childcare or there's always someone that pipes up Chances are well if you're and you know what's not all men, and they should just call myself out there, there was a woman that said it as well. If you're going to, if you're going to put your kid in for someone else to look after them and bring them up, it's like shut up, like come on, kind of society that we live in, where people just absolutely drill down one person like, where's Why can't the guy stay home? Where's the accusation of the man not staying home, whatever, keep his shit at home, like, you know, that's just a hate. I hate that. That's what I hate most about it. It's it's someone else pushing their own their own, I guess thoughts and the way that they live on someone else. And I don't like that. Obviously, I'm sitting here talking about my own opinion on things. But I'm not telling you how to run your own life. If you want to, if you're a woman, and you want to work part time, go for gold, mate, go for gold. If that works for your family dynamic you do what you work, what works for you, if you're if you're a guy, and you want to be primary care and send your wife back to work full time you go for gold, if you are a couple that do not want kids, even better prays to you do what you need to do, we are not people that are validated by children. And if you don't want to have them, that is absolutely fine. But what I do not like is when someone feels the need that they should, you know, castrate someone on the fact that they do things differently to them. I think there's also, I called myself out the other day, I was watching paw patrol the movie. Yeah, that's where I am now anyway, was watch Paul patrol the movie. And I don't know if you've seen it. And if you haven't, there's a part where one of the boy dogs steps into this dressing machine. And he gets in the wrong one. And he dresses up like a girl. And I caught myself out. And I was just being funny with my two and a half year old. And I said, Ah ha he's dressed like a girl. And I was like, hang on a second. What the hell is wrong with that. And I turned around and said, actually, they remember what I said. But I called myself out on it straightaway. And basically this was like, which is totally fine to do. The other day, I bought our at a tea set. He bought he loves it, to training him up to get me some tape. You do kid, I just think that yeah, all of these things that we do, which is the conversation today, all of these things that we do and say, build up to the way that our kids are, I guess, become accustomed to. And it's those little things that we do, not the big things, it's the little things that we do, and the way that we say things that I guess train them or, or teach them into knowing how they need to be as as they're older. And these are taught so early. I remember speaking with one of my elderly relatives, and they were saying how we're too young, the kids are too young to be teaching certain things too. And I was like, not really, you should say my collection of books is so diverse. And I love to, to follow accounts that teach me things. So you'll see me posting things, I don't like to contribute to conversations that are just outside of my scope. I don't feel that a voice needs to be there. If you don't have anything to contribute that is actually of experience or a place of being, which is why later on I'm going to have I'm going to really try and bring on like a very diverse guestlist I 100% of someone lined up to speak about First Nations people. I personally know that seeing things from other people's perspectives is just really humbling to just Well, I guess really humbling in the fact that they sharing the stories for us to be able to listen to I think the problem with a lot of well, let's speak about racism for a fact for for sick. I think with racism, I think a lot of white people feel that they need to be the white saviour. We just seem to be an ally. And I think that our kids watch what we say and what we do. And I think the biggest thing that we can teach them is to be empathetic and to listen. And the more we listen, the more we learn. The more we speak, the more we block out things that are going on around us. So well speaking is ironic that I'm speaking to you without listening. But I think that it's so good credibly important. I can see in a comments section on a debate on social media for so long, just reading what someone, what people are writing, and different opinions and perspectives. And a recent conversation was obviously, when Will Smith smacked Chris Rock? Obviously, the first thing that you're starting to read is how out alone Will Smith was in the fact that he can don't like, you know, he went violent, and I absolutely don't condone violence. But there was such a deeper issue there. And I found that. So incredibly important for us as people to understand. So after it all happened, I was reading about people that were just had an opinion on it, and mostly white women. And they were getting absolutely drilled by women of colour in the comments. And I found it really interesting, because I didn't know any of this stuff. So I was reading what they were saying. And a lot of them were talking about their experiences. And it was just so eye opening, like, I just had no idea and ignorance. Absolutely. Because you're not experiencing something like that. So this is why this podcast exists is that because it's trying to showcase from I guess, motherhood perspective, Women, Gender inequality, more so from our experience to kind of talk about that and amplify that message and from different people. But from this, it was interesting listening to their story so that they could speak. And I think that having women jump on to counteract what they were saying meant, even though yes, the violence wasn't necessary. What they were doing was basically not listening to what these women were saying to them. And I found that really important. So watching them talk about their experience and what they were going through to have a white woman then turn around and say to them, yeah, but he shouldn't have done violence completely just ignored the fact of what they had just said, like anything that they just said. So where did I learn, and I know shit, you're not, I just had to actually Google the pronunciation of it. It's called misogyny ah, and that is the dislike of contempt for or ingrained prejudice against black women. And so I found this on an account that I follow. And I would encourage you to follow it if you are interested. And it's called everyday racism underscore. And the post I read was violence is never okay, nor is using black women for your punch line. And I think that they spoke about the discrimination that they receive about their hair, and just other things that they that they encounter, and how. And one of the things that I read was, how Chris Rock as a black man used his Well, being a black man would know a lot of this stuff, but used the joke to appease a white audience. And I found that really interesting. Again, I this is not me giving an opinion, it's just what I've read. And I found it I this is what I just find quite interesting about language and listening, and what we need to do as a society to unlearn and relearn about the way that we move forward. Again, with that type of stuff, it's, I speak for as a as a white woman in a place of privilege about gender inequality, and that's just what I experience. But when you're, you know, LGBTQI, or a woman of colour, speaking from gender inequality, there's a whole nother layer there, like just another layer. And, you know, then you've got impacts of socio economic status. And I'm fully aware that this is why societal issues run deep, because there are just so many layers. And, you know, we can all be white, but we're not all white. Right? Like, there'll be classes of white. And then you'll have LGBTQ, and then you have classes of white plus that layer of LGBTQ, or you could be a woman of colour, then you've got the racism of that privilege. Gender inequality if you're a woman, and if you queer that layer on top, like that's just a shit tonne of layers. So I'm very aware and I always try and be a bit mindful of what I say and I know that everyone's saying it's work. It's not work. It's just friggin empathy to me. decayed understanding other people is not woke, just fucking being human. So I think understanding more and more about the way that we can do ourselves is so important in the future women post I put up the other day and it's on on their, on their page. And they speak about how there's a video of her on the project, there's a video that describes how everyone just expects things to change. They just expect it to change. But the problem is, we need to do this in a micro level in our house. And if you're a mother, and you're not changing the way that you speak, and you do things, and you're raising boys, hell, even girls, but they're gonna watch what you do. And by advice, I say, Mother, because we need to, we need to call ourselves out about the way that we conduct our own behaviour. It's not just about men, it's about the way that we do things. So there's things that I mean, there's things that are just going to take years and years and years and years and years to change their custom behaviours, it's just too hard to change, things like that. And then you've got culture, right? Like, it's not just about westernised societies, there are cultures that are just like Indian culture, for instance, that is deep, like the misogyny there, and, you know, the gender inequality that's gonna take years and years and years and years, if ever to change. So, I'm fully aware of cultural differences as well. But I mean, you know, the only thing that we have the ability to try and change is the way that we interact within our own households. And even then, that can be hard too. I just like to try and, and have conversations, you know, with my husband, about how we can move forward to create. And let me also say, My in laws are great. My in laws are very progressive, and my mother in law is very feminist, and my father in law is an absolute Saviour, like he has saved us multiple times, he's just very hands on, does a lot of stuff. So obviously, Ryan has a chip off the old block. And, you know, I think that that is important to know, Ryan being my husband, for those that maybe tune in for the first time. That's important to know about, you know, our upbringings and the way that that, why we are the way we are, and the essence of us is obviously a product of our of our upbringing. So the way that we speak, and the way that we do things is absolutely crucial in every single household. And the change that we will see in the future is dependent on every single household. And this is why it's so important with the discussion around respect and understanding about, you know, gender based violence and all of that stuff about educating our kids in school, because it's, it's a learned, it's a learned trait, it's a learned behaviour. And what they see is what they do, and, you know, what they see, they replicate. So if we can just be mindful of what we do in our own households, and, you know, I'm fully aware of different dynamics there as well. But I try and have conversations and call myself out on things. And like I was saying, prior, I have an array of books at my house that have, that are diverse in so many ways. You know, and I think that having someone else write these books from a place of experience is, is really cool, too. Because I mean, I'm not having to teach, teach my kids something from my perspective, the perspective has been written in a book from someone else that's left that perspective. So you know, I've got a lot of Aboriginal traditional books, even Aboriginal storytime books, from the dream, dream time, and, you know, how the, how the, how the birds got their colours, and all of those types of books. And I think that they're great because they showcase storytime, or storytelling, from a different culture. I've got books on race, I've got books on, you know, equality, I've got the A to Zed book of equality, that's cool, you know, ableism, disability, all of that type of stuff. I find just trying to touch on issues, even from a small scale just to open the minds so that my children are reading books that have all aspects of people in them. And I think there's a really good if you have kids It's there's a really good company called a kid's book about, and I've got to lots of books from them. So they've, it's kind of like the, you know, the little people book. And they've got like, you know, David Bowie and Gandhi and all that type of stuff. Frida Kahlo. It's kind of like that, that from like, I guess, a political stance. So they talk about a kid's book about racism, and a kid's book about feminism, and a kid's book about gratitude, and, you know, respect and all of these really cool topics. I mean, you choose bleen. Hugely important. You can choose the books that you download, or you download that you buy. And I think they've got, they've got two different so that I bought a stack of the first ones. But they're a bit older, for RA at the moment, I'll keep them in the shelves, think there'll be a bit more when he's maybe around the age of five, which they do have an age listing, I just really wanted to get them. But then now they've released a second lot, which are smaller. So they've got culture and things like that, which are really cool as well. So they're a bit more, I guess, structured for a younger audience. One of the best things about about that type of language or that type of conversation is that you're teaching the kids little things from a place of perspective, as I said before, so that's so important in my eyes is just to let them have a glimpse of multiple things and let them create their own opinions and their own mindsets without us structuring them into a box. If that's just my opinion, you do you. But I think, I think it's so important it even the way we treat our girls, to let them know that, like my sister, and I always say like, as we were growing up, my nan used to do so much stuff for my brother, like weight on him hand and foot. And it's only as adults now that we really understand that. Like, they just she just expected us to do like, I mean, she was amazing to us, don't get me wrong, as it loved to death. But get just the difference in how he was treated versus the way we were treated. And yeah, it's just little things like that, you know, don't treat them any differently, make them do the same things. Obviously, there, there's aspects that we're not saying like this is the thing. I think, men think that women want women to be like, men, it's not that at all, I think we just want equality across the board. We just want people to be treated with respect and dignity, without gender based fight bias. So I think, for instance, I had this conversation with my husband the other day, every girl will know what I'm talking about right now. I had to describe to him about you know, and I just said it so nonchalantly. It was about like, you know, such and such with your key weapon. And he said what? I said, Ah, have you never done that before. And then I was like, of course you haven't. I said every time it's dark, or you're around people that you don't know, or I'm going back to the car, I would have always walked with my khaki between my two fingers. And my mom taught me that from a young age, you use it as a weapon if someone tries to get you stab him with the key. I don't think my brother was ever taught that if we're being completely honest, but it's just with arming our daughters to protect themselves instead of teaching our boys not to cause harm. And obviously, this is the huge conversation now. But Ryan's like, I'm like, Have you never done that? He's like, No, I'm like, of course you haven't. Oh, no, like, explain to him. This is just what I've always been taught. Like, it's just these are the things use your key as a weapon. Just natural things like you see guys walking down the street. You know, it's dark, or, you know, you walk on the opposite side of the road. It's just natural for us to do that. And I know speaking to some guys about this recently, and they said they felt really surprised by that. Like if it happened if it happened to them, or it happened to them. And I said it's just a basic instinct. It's like instinctual behaviour. And it's things like this, that I mean, this stuff will probably take years and years and years and you needs to change. But it's these types of things that we're trying to bring to the forefront. It's so important it to be part of that small minut evolution or change, so that we can teach the next generation to do just that bit better. We know that nothing's going to change overnight. And I've had conversations with people speaking about the grace team, Brittany Higgins issue, and, you know, wondering what they made a big scene about for the press for the Press Club conference that they did. To me, that was amazing. I like, it's not about making a huge change in one go. It's about addressing issues and changing things as we go. And the biggest things that we've seen coming out of that is a huge highlight of, I guess, collaboration, or not even collaboration, but Unison have a unified force of women speaking about their issues, and coming together, like the me to movement and speaking about problems that have just been swept under the rug, because women have been told to put up and shut up. And I think that is the type of stuff that's that's not right. Like, even I've had conversations with some of my friends that are just like, ah, you know, I just do it, because I can't be bothered to have the fight. Fuck that. I'm, I'm sure let's go. Like I just, obviously, that's the type of person that I am. I'm not confrontational, I just feel that I need to have my voice heard, like I do a lot of this, I still do a lot of the things that I would like to change. Again, but it's not, it's not a thing that can change overnight. And, you know, I just feel that we need, we need to call it out. Like, I'm not up for just doing it and putting up and shutting up because it's easier. If everything was easy. You know, we would be in a situation that we're in Woodway. Changing, changing things that we've always known is hard. And having those conversations with those loved ones who enforce the same, I guess, biases and stereotypes is hard. And I'll give you this right. I spoke to one of my mates the other day. And he had listened to my I was really surprised by how many of my guy mates had actually listened to my podcast, so shout out if you're listening, you guys amazing. But they Yeah, it was I felt really humbled when I was really humbled when my when my guy mates actually messaged me to say how much they love to listening to my podcast. Because one not only did I feel heard, too, I felt that they were they wanting to listen. They wanted to listen, not that I felt heard by them, only that they actually took time out of their day to listen to what I had to say. And I think that that is incredible, an incredible trait on the person that they are. And I think that that's what we need to do as a society of people. So yeah, I was speaking to one of my mates the other day was saying how this falls right in line with what we're talking about. And in the first episode, you'll know if you have heard it, I speak about how guys need to sit down with their partners and fill out enrollment forms of daycare, because those things are really long. And yeah, and he said that he did that. And I was like, amazing. Go you. And he said that when he went to take it to the daycare, they said, oh, when he went to get the forms from the daycare, they said to him, take these home to mom to fill out how look at that woman there that was a woman. So my friend had done his due diligence, he'd actually gone to the daycare, he'd asked for the enrollment forms, he sat down and did them with his wife, who was my close friend. And he was called out by the woman behind the desk to take these home to mum. So that's a similar structure to why we as women need to change the way that we think they're not incapable. Men aren't incapable. In fact, you give them enough responsibility, and they're pretty good most of the time. But this is the thing we need. We need to be changing our own language and changing it up. Like it's not like he did anything wrong. He asked for the enrollment. Why would it? Why would why would a woman need to fill that out? Honestly. Anyway, let's think that out of analogy, the good analogy that the dead doesn't know about or something like I mean, anyway, that's that's conversation. It was the same conversation I brought up with my husband I'm going to hospital with my kids. Like when he's there, they asked where I am, like, as if he's incapable of answering the question. There was a reason that we did swap, there was a reason from the start that we kept swapping. And that was so that my husband was in the know of what was going on. Because I, like whatever, what if anything ever happens to the mother, like the partner needs to step in, and the partner needs to know these things, it's so important that they know these things. So yeah, I found that really interesting. There's lots of conversations that have been had, that I've had with some, some men in DNS and one of them was on the parental leave policies and how one guy was rent went went through the ringer to have access to the paid parental leave for him to be able to leave work that was completely available. You know, it's so it's things like this, that we need to assist men in to assist women in. And one of the things I think, as women is we need to show, this is one of the reasons I am not again, he's you want to work from home, or you know, you want to do three days, part time, absolutely awesome, here for it. But for me, one of the things that I wanted to show my boys is that mom can be a badass boss bitch to like, you know, it's not just about dad going home and bringing home the coin Mum can go to work and bring home the coin. And the reason I did that was also with the sole purpose of knowing that children were on the horizon, so that I could bust my ass off in those early years, and to provide some stability. So when I do need to be taken out, I can do that. And that has already proven possible. We're finding and if you've listened to the past episodes, you'll know that women are starting to just POV their own potential futures, like they're creating their own businesses, and they're creating negotiations with employers to give them the flexibility options that they need, like this is a bargaining chip, I was saying this to my husband, I said, I would have taken a pay cut for the option to work from home, back in the day, I would have taken a pay cut. And not that we need to do that. But taking a pay cut didn't necessarily mean taking a pay cut, like working from home, saved me time. Like, again, I've mentioned before, it was like a two and a half hour commute to work, like, you know, work that out over over five days, I've saved myself so much time, like to and from the five hours that 510 15 hours, you know, 1515 20, football, you know, upwards of 15 hours travel a day, not going into the city. And that is such a massive thing. Like, it's just yeah, going and bargain that I think that's such a bargaining tool. But it's creating, we're creating the lives that we want, so that we can show to our kids that, you know, moms can work and do all the things. And dads can work and do all the things. And I love the fact that my husband, actually a couple of my friends have done it now, which I think is really, really cool. My male mates, is the dads have stayed home for for Prime carrier carers leave for a good three months of that initial phase. And a lot of them are actually able to work from home too. And I do know that's not possible for some that are in trades. It's really difficult. But yeah, for those other ones that can do it. I mean, why can't it be possible for people in trades, this is another thing that is such thing there. You know, again, that's a whole discussion. But just being able to have that, like, our kids are a huge part of our lives. And I say this all the time, you can leave your job and you'll be replaced. You can't leave your family. Like even if you do leave your family you're not replaced. It's just you're such a key figure in in, in life and family and we shouldn't ever choose work over our families. But we can use work to aid the way that we bring our kids up and teach them morals. And I think that I'm finding more and more women really finding their feet in what they want to do because they've they're creating their own futures. And I think that that's really important, but we as women need to change the conversation, and the way that we the way that we raise our boys and the way that we raise our girls and changing the language that we speak. For instance, My recent example was when, you know, mum needed to go and have what was it a specialist appointment. But she asked my sister and I like it was not even an issue. I know that we're local, but it was not even an issue for her to ask us to take time out of our day being mothers being working women. But it was an issue for her to ask, you know, my dad, my brother to do so like, he he can't do that was the answer. It's like, Well, neither can we like, Why do you think that that's fine for us to do that? It's things like that colder, colder, colder out on it. And I mean, again, yes, it's easier to ask us. But is it fairer? Yeah, I don't know. That's a whole a whole thing. You find I find that I as I go through life, there's all these pivotal moments, whether it be said from my own mouth, or if it's been said from somewhere else around dislike. Oh, there it is. And I think as we as we all move forward, like, like even saying things that were so common in movies and pop culture and slang in the playground, at school, it's just now you're like, oh my gosh, like so out of line. So it's just making sure that we're just careful at home and calling ourselves out on what we do, even to the way our mothers say things. You know, when they like, hasn't your mother fed you which I've mentioned multiple times. Just call that shit out. Anyway, that's my two cents. Let me know what you think. And DME, my Instagram will jump on and join the conversation over on the posts or in the real estate. Until then. If you enjoyed this episode, then don't forget to head over and rate and review. It helps let other women know around. Also, don't forget to follow along on my Instagram page at I am Tara Ladd or hit up WWW dot Tara ladd.com