Dealing with identities as women, especially as mothers.

In this episode, I'm talking about the different identities we become as we evolve as women, especially post-children. This is my perspective on how I've grown and become who I am today, in a real and raw way.

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Transcript

Tara Ladd: 0:00

Just a heads up if you've got little ears around this podcast contains some swearing.

Unknown: 0:09

Hi, you're listening to the word be a straight shooter podcast that generates real conversations about the systemic issues surrounding working women, motherhood, business ownership, and society as a whole. I'm your host, Tara Ladd owner, a brand design agency, your one and only mother of two boys, and a champion of working women and a balanced society. Hi, everyone, welcome to this episode of the word V. In this conversation, I am talking about the identity as a mother and how our identities change as we evolve. After having children.

Tara Ladd: 0:57

I've literally written down like five things, the shift the demand, the load, the balance and the time. So if this just goes on a complete ramble, welcome to the inside of my brain, it's pretty, pretty scattered. So to give you a little bit of a background, I guess, when I fell pregnant with my first child, Ari, this was in 2018, late 2018, I knew that probably the biggest thing for me wasn't going to be becoming a mother itself. It was more about me as a person and how I was going to deal with, I guess, the identity. And I actually mentioned this, I went on a retreat, a business retreat. And I spoke about this when I was, you know, eight months pregnant, or whatever, I was seven months pregnant at the time. And I voiced how this was going to be my biggest concern. And I think for a look for a lot of women, the maternal instinct is not true. It's I know, so many of my friends that are just so amazing, like, they put me to shame in terms of, you know, they can create all these hand crafty things, and they just come up with these amazing ideas. And I'm just not that marmet. Like, I just can't do that stuff. I'm, but you know, that's not saying I'm the bad mom. And I know that there are so many of us out there that are like that. It's just saying that I'm a different mom. But I guess I never had that initial maternal instinct, I, even till I was because I had my first stat 3033, just shy of 30. Like, you know, I was 33 by like, two weeks. And the plan was to always try and have a child at 32. It just worked for me, I know that a lot of people, it doesn't, but for me, it did. And even before that, like I was very, from a young age, I was very, very career driven, and not career driven, in a sense that, you know, work was going to be my life. I was just set out to fucking conquer the world. I just wanted to do something and be something. And I don't know if that was because of, you know, my upbringing, or, you know, what I experienced, I just always wanted to prove myself and not for anyone else. But for myself, I wanted to prove that I could do it. And I always set goals for myself. And, you know, it evolved. So I guess, let's throw way back. So going in high school, I never really had a real close group of friends until about probably year nine, year 89. And even then, we were vastly different people. And while I mean, you grew up with those people, we still have great relationships. We probably don't speak anymore. I definitely speak with one and we kind of interact on Facebook, but one of them absolutely is friend forever. But yeah, we kind of check in every year for six months and see how we're going but I just felt very out of I guess, what's the right word? Not in not in my, my group of people if that made sense. I didn't feel like I was truly understood or heard except for one person. And I think we have friendship groups that kind of that we bounce through as as adults, but it wasn't really until I met my now husband and I fell into his group of friends. And, to this day, all of us are still very, very close. I mean, as, as you know, if you're a parent, things just get busy, and you don't see friends as often as you would like to and throw pandemic in the mix in isolation. And yet, but, you know, we're all still very close, and we catch up as much as we can. But that's where I really found my group of people. And they were both both guys and girls. It wasn't, it wasn't. It definitely wasn't a group of girls, it was mainly guys. And it wasn't until they all got partners that we kind of fell into a really good group of women, I fell into a good group of women friendship. And I think, and it's interesting, and I think that's because probably the boys were very solid in in their values, like a lot of them aligned, I think there was a group of probably 15 or 20 of them. And there's probably one guy that I didn't really like, and, you know, he left the circle quite early. So everyone else, they're amazing. And, yeah, obviously, they aligned value wise, and their partners, a lot aligned with us. So I found that really, really good that I fell into that group. And from that group, I think I found my voice, which is really important. I think in I guess my development as a person. I think if I was tracking how I was going in my teenage years, I may not have been where I am today, but I always had this internal drive to really do something. And I knew when I was in law, I knew from a young age that I was going to do something with art and creativity. It wasn't until I was in year 10 That I did work experience at a packaging design agency that I really fell fell into graphic design in my love for graphic design. So really put my energy into nailing English, not for my HSC and everything else I did not give two flying shits about so yeah, I really just nailed that and progressed there. But I guess when going through my 20s, I was really supported from from my friends into what I wanted to do and into the evolution of who I was as a person and not included not just obviously career wise, but fitness, like my husband now is a long distance runner. And I mean, look, I'm certainly no long distance runner, but you know, it hold you accountable to what you want to do. And I mean, I'm not a long distance runner, and I hated doing anything long distance. I was the sprinter. I was the short hit exercise girl, the training girl, but it wasn't, I guess till I was about 22 or 23, that I really started to fall into health and fitness. And in I found another group of people. So health and fitness to me, is, is a core part of who I am now. And I grew up, you know, in my teenage years, I was a size 1214 I'm only like five to so you know, that essentially weights you quite a lot when you're quite short. So I was not, I wouldn't call myself fat, but I certainly wasn't, you know, slim. And not that that has anything to do anything, but I was not healthy. I didn't eat well. And, you know, I didn't come from an upbringing of knowing about food too much. So I really threw myself into learning about nutrition. Understanding how my body worked, I had an amazing group of trainers. I mean, Shawn, from performance, personal training, shout out there for anyone that wants to get into health and fitness. They are amazing. And it was in that community when he left to start his business after we were at another commercial gym. For upwards of four or five years, I think that I found my gym community. So I had my friendship circle from I guess, from my husband and I and then I had a friendship circle at the gym, which was my own sanctuary. And it I found myself really supported. And I think that that's and I know that this is probably going off track here but it's a significant part as to who I am as a person. So it's why it's important. I found myself in a really great group of people there. Probably who I speak to the most now. One of my best mates, I met at the gym. And, you know, we speak all the time. Like, all the time, actually, I have a couple of really, really close friends at the gym, who have absolutely just been there for me during all of the shit that I went through with my firstborn, but I guess, having those different identities is so important, you know, and I was really fit like I was doing, you know, I was always pushing myself to do more. So I started off with doing, you know, the tough miners and the Spartan Races and all those stupid obstacle course races that don't really exist anymore, or they do or no one really cares about him. And it was a thing like it was the fad and then I started to do longer things like wanted to do triathlon, I really loved the multi disciplinary bullet, the three sports in one, I loved that ability to really push myself into something that was so outside of my comfort zone, which was a long distance type thing. I let me tell you, I had never ran further than 5k, the moment I signed up to a to a triathlon to a half Ironman, and for those that don't know that distance to 1.9k, swim, a 90k bike ride and a half marathon at the end. So 21.1k run. And I was like, hell yeah, let's do it. And I threw myself into this. And I became the fittest and healthiest I had ever been. Mind you. I did not have children. And it is I did not know how anyone could do this with kids. It's probably why it's very male dominated later on. Anywho there are females that do it. Women that do it. But yeah, I think that is there's obviously reasons but yeah, I found myself becoming really fit and healthy. So when I fell pregnant with I was travelling, right. So this was this was in, you know, we got married in 2015. Career wise, I was going well, I'd set my limit to 2008 that I really wanted to be somewhere. And if I wasn't there, by then I was going to start my own business, which is exactly what happened. I had every intention to just tick all these boxes that I wanted to do before kids because obviously as you as you get to that age, everyone has an age, personal whatever it is for them. But for me, the age was there. And I decided that I definitely did want to have children. And that was after my nieces arrived. And my nephews but it was my niece my like the first one that came along was when I really found that connection. But yeah, so then it was like, okay, yeah, I think this is what I want. So by this stage, I was really fit and healthy. Career wise, I was going really well. My business was really going well. And it just kicked off, ramped up. You know, it was in a really good group of friends. We were socialising. We were travelling. You know, we'd been overseas five times. And in the six years prior big trips to the states road trips, set trips to Europe, South Croatia's like amazing, amazing experiences and deliberately done. I didn't want to resent my kids for anything. I know that there are a lot of instances of that happening. And I didn't want that to happen. But so when came the time that I did fall pregnant, I was actually really scared. In skating away, that I felt like, what am I going to be like, after have a child am I still going to be able to do the things that I was doing prior? And I found myself really like, I guess. Questioning, not questioning, having children that was obviously happening. But just questioning how I was going to deal with it. And that was more what was on my mind, not the giving birth thing. Not to having children thing. I felt absolutely prepared for that. Throw an extra Spanner into the works after that happened, but I just I knew that it was it was going to be me that needed the conversation. So skip forward to July 2019 When Ari arrived absolutely perfectly born healthy, I might say perfect pregnancy. It was really good. I was training right up until I was 37 weeks pregnant. Yes to everyone. That's questioning that is fine to do that. I did it healthily. I felt really good. And baby came along and you know how they have that I baby's born, you have that moment, I did not have that moment, I was so tired, and was like, take someone take the baby away, just let me have five minutes. And I needed to just kind of get my head into the Okay. I've now just gone from being Tara to being someone's mother. So, in that moment, it was a very intense feeling that my life had just changed as I knew it. And I know that sounds really, I guess, dramatic, but that's how it felt to me. So, after I had him, I didn't struggle at all, actually, I fell into it quite well. It was

Unknown: 15:47

obvious. And then he was obviously diagnosed with biliary atresia, three and a half weeks, which completely upheaved my whole life. But if that didn't happen, I mean, obviously, it would have been fine. But I felt that that absolutely just turned, turned my mother game on, I was, you know, instead of being in that, when you first become a mother, you have a real hazy period of just trying to figure it all out. I just all of a sudden, it was like mother's instinct just went,

Tara Ladd: 16:20

go for it. And I just knew what I needed to do. At this stage. It was like four weeks, he was four weeks on the dot when he had his first surgery at the west of West Meade kids in in Sydney. And pretty big operation, they replumbed his liver. I'll talk about this in an upcoming episode. But yeah, I was pacing the hallway four weeks, four weeks ago, I just birthed the child. So not only was I still in post, you know, post pregnancy, I was dealing with these hormones and dealing with this experience of having a sick kid. But that's not just me, it was just I guess, it's just that experience of being a mother as well is just dealing with all of these things that has just happened. And I think that was a hard time as you do the balance. In fact, maternity leave wasn't even that hard. It was it was just tiring. It was tiring. Take that back. maternity leave is hard. It's very, very hard. But I mean, hard in a sense of the identity shift. It was, you know, because you're at home, there's no demands of you. The real shift happened was when you go back to work, and the balance and the demand. And this is where I'm stepping into now. So I find that the demand that's put on you, as a mother is just so incredibly hard. I for me. I mean, you see these women that just absolutely nail motherhood. And I know that I have so many people that say that to me, I don't know how you do it. Honestly, it's autopilot. Like, I think that if you're dealing if someone looks like they're dealing with something Well, in my case, anyway, dramas yet to come. So that initial stage of me just going through all of that stuff with Ira and running a business. It I just found that to become quite overwhelming. And this happened, his transplant happens when he was nine months old. And it was right at the peak of the pandemic. So it was just a massive shift of oh my god, as a business owner, what am I going to do here? How am I going to and I had to grow my team, like, it was just, I had to do it. So I hired my sister Sam, who just is just organise a 101. Then she became a studio manager and just dealt with the shit that I could not deal with emails, proposals, things that just did not need my attention. Ongoing collateral with people like you know, not collateral but correspondence with people that just was mine mind numbingly irrelevant to me at that stage because I needed to be focused on the key things that were bringing in the money for the business, which were strategy and design and state and I were going hand in hand in that. So and obviously post transplant it put as if you've listened to the first episode, obviously that was backlogged. You can't plan for that. So that was six weeks of intense intense intervals and six it was it was in hospital three weeks. It was nine weeks of basically just real in and out working and I had all of this work I needed to take on and because I taken on so much extra work because of the pandemic and we did not know what was going to happen. We were absolutely backlogged. So then I had stress from work stress from home And it was like really intense. And I was finding, in my instance, I know that like, everyone has their own thing. I've just, I'm just talking from my experience, I had doctors calling me and I had paediatrician appointments, and I had to, you know, plan medications. And actually, Ryan was really good with the medication. I just gave that that was his thing. I just gave him that. But then obviously, after you have a child, like for us, it was, we got a financial planner. And, you know, we're trying to look at refinancing our mortgage, and oh, and all of that stuff just starts playing on your mind. And it's just those things that like with the mental load that you start to take on dealing with daycares, finding the right daycare to look for, you know, making sure that appointments are booked, all the while trying to run a business and a team and it doesn't matter if you don't run a business, you still as a working parent, you're trying to navigate that balance, I say quite an emphasis quotes. That just doesn't exist. It's it's just so hard. And it's like, someone told me that you've got six plates spinning at a time something has to give, is it a social life is that your life is it being a mother is that being a business owner or a working parent, like something has to fall that you can't keep all plates spinning, and anyone that does has help? Sorry, and just freakin hate people that get on and perch about how amazing they are and how they've got their life together this fucking reason for it, sorry. That's not resentment. That's just the truth. Hashtag privilege. So and like, we have so much help, too. And I remember being shunned because at the time, my amazing dog Golka in from pulls me was walking my dogs twice a week, because I just didn't have time. And I have my cleaners that come over once a fortnight and clean my house. And everyone was like, I remember being not being judged. But I remember something. How do you afford a cleaner every fortnight like one that takes three hours, four hours of my day away, and I can spend it with my kids. And whatever. Like, that's like, not even two hours of work for me, I can justify spending that. And I know that that's an expense that not everyone has. But for me, I did. So I used it. And that bought me time. That's something you just can't get back time. If you can purchase something that's going to buy you time, if I can buy it, meal plans, all that stuff. That's something that I need to actually get back into. Because yes, as as I moved forward, I kind of felt like I got my life back together. Ari had, you know, had his transplant we had a real hard period between March and June last year 2021, where he was in and out of hospital. Six times, I think in a matter of three months, it was like four times in six weeks or something was ridiculous, because he kept getting viruses at daycare. And for immunocompromised kid, any temp above 38 Five, it's mandatory 48 hours on an IV antibiotics because they want to make sure that it's not bacteria, which can actually cause complications to the transplanted organ. And in this case, all of them are viruses. None of them are COVID I cannot tell you how many times this poor kid has been COVID swamped but he he basically yeah, it just again life disruptions. Everyone has their own versions of it that was ours and then straight into a hard lockdown not even two weeks later, so that was mad fun. For me it was okay because I have my studio no one is in my studio and I could come here. But I don't know how parents did it working from home we had COVID Last week still do floating around. I'm out of my seven week seven day so I actually stayed in for 11 and my husband now my other son Ari who's immunocompromised have it and they are fine. I think my husband got it worse than my son and we've been freaking out about how he was going to handle it because as I just said, any fever over 38 Five were in hospital and it was just like do you run the risk of going to hospital like to stay home? We obviously don't want to keep pumping him full of the top level antibiotics unless absolutely necessary. We have a team that we speak to so that's that's fine. But yeah, he caught the I think he got to 37 Six and he was fine. So couldn't believe it amazing. Probably lucky that we got it down earlier. But yeah, I think that that was so hard. Both parents both of us trying to work at home at same time with now our second child six month old was just brutal, like absolutely brutal and then whose jobs more important you've got to try and work out times and shifts but what worked for us in well, I guess with Ari was that we were doing shifts so and that was recommended by one of my friends who's a business owner and taking shifts you know, you work this time to this time I work this time to this time and that worked. Until it didn't. But then comes the second baby and I think we had out she organised like it was just organised. We had scheduled timings both my husband I very organised people, it was just working to plan we were both going to the gym, we're both really healthy. I lost all my baby weight. I was really thriving, and then we decided to have another baby at the end of 2020. Because hey, life looked good, then. Little did we know. Anyway, so December 2020. I fell pregnant with my second son Bly. And then all of this shit happened. So obviously, Ari's problems happened. And I was in hospital pregnant. And during COVID lockdowns and delta going around. And it was just intense. And, yeah, it's like, we held off on doing a lot of things because, you know, it was got like, you just restricted, everyone knows everyone had to give up so many things. Are he hasn't had a birthday yet two, three this year. First time was actually prevention from his transplant. Last time was a COVID. Lockdown. We did have a big group of friends come out for Christmas and celebrated belated birthday. But you know, it's not the same. So hopefully he gets to have a third birthday this year. The benefits is that the benefit is that now he's healthier, because he's older. So he's not StickIt shitless mouth, so he's not getting as many viruses anymore, so it's good. But now we're just dealing with it with our youngest. So Bly came along, and that I found that was where my huge shift happened. I'm still figuring it out. It's been six months, but I'm finding this has been the hardest thing that I've had to deal with. I'm now running a team of four inclusive of myself, I did have a team of five, but she left, which was just before the lockdown. So it actually was a good thing financially for us. But I would love to get her back if I could. So then I was dealing with being, you know, obviously, by this stage, we had a lot of work coming in, we were doing really well, the pandemic wasn't a bad thing for us, it was actually quite good. Because we're in marketing, and we know how to bring in business, it's just our job. So we had a lot of people that had reeled off the back of the initial lockdown, and knew that they needed to up their game, and they came to us needing work. So we were obviously pumped. So I planned everything out so that by the time I went on, leave with my second I would just be prepared. And I was. And let me tell you the biggest thing that in an idea, well, not necessarily an identity, but the biggest thing that I noticed and really felt that no one warned me about when I had my second was how much you miss your first child. I really struggled in those first few weeks, because obviously you're so stuck to the new child not stuck, because you want to be there. But you're breastfeeding and you're going through those initial stages and you're learning and and you know that you got a brand new baby, but you find yourself a little bit separated from your from your firstborn, and you go through this great what I did, I went through this grief of just not being able to be with him as much as I was and I was watching my husband take him out for walks to kind of give me a bit of time and and I and at the same time while it was he Thank you thankful for them for doing that. It's almost like the taking him away again. And it was just Yeah, it was that was really hard. I found that really hard. I mean, that's obviously fine. Now, it's just an adaptation of things that you go, you go through but yeah, I found that quite difficult. In also, I guess, just trying to manage a new baby. When they do everything the opposite of the first semester. They're just not the same. And you think I was really naive, like, you hear about first time mothers like just not expecting anything as you know, we all do. We all did it. My kids are going to be like that and I'm not going to do that. Bah bah bah bah bah. And then you do it because you've just you just need to make Until we're proof and I think the second one came along and I was just like, I've got this I know how to do this and while you do have an underlying experience and things like you know, making sure your medications there and all those little bits and bobs that you do, why it was so hard like he's got a cow's milk intolerance, so he was really colicky still is on the occasion. But just no one tells you about that, that sleep deprivation when you have a colicky baby, if you have a colicky baby, you will know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, you do not know what sleep deprivation is. Oh, my God. I mean, Ari was hard. But lie has been ongoing hard. Like we went through patches with Ari. But with Bly it's just been continuous. I feel like I haven't slept. Well, I haven't slept in like six months. Like I'm cheering when I get a three hour block of sleep. That's just that's just what we're dealing with at the moment. And I know that it's like the same for a lot of newborns. But gosh, colicky colicky unsettled, babies are so so hard mentally to deal with. I think that's been my hardest, hardest shift. Now, obviously, can I just have a normal baby? Apparently not. So that's me done, I'm wrapped up, I'm not having any more children, because I just literally don't think I could handle another one. Not bit more, not the handle. But you know what I mean? Like, I just think mentally for me, two's my cup, I think it would just absolutely buckle me as a person if I was to have another child. Because there's a lot of demand and a lot of pressure. And we also have very demanding children. And I don't want to take away from that. I love these families that have three for kids, and they just are living their best life. It's just really lovely to see. But it's just not me, keeping up. Business to me is another child. And not that it's even remotely the same thing. But more so in in terms of attention. I think if I was to have another child at sets, again, this is the motherhood shift. It takes me out of my job again, and it takes me out, I like to grow the business and I just am ready to provide the best life I can. For my children and for my family and for myself. With what I do, it's what I've worked hard for. And I think that that's the biggest thing. One of the shifts is giving up something for your children, that's what you do. And and it's not that I don't want to give anything up, I just feel that the motherhood penalty is that women work hard in whatever it is in school. And then they go through uni or college or you know, their trade and they complete their, you know what it is that they need to do. And then they enter the workforce and they become experienced, and then all of a sudden, it's just like, bang grinds to a halt. And then it's and then it's hard to get back in. I've really struggled personally, to get back here and after the second baby mentally I found after Matt leaves, it's been really hard to switch the mindset. And I've had to speak to people about it. I've spoken to my mate who is a psychologist and he's great. The level of depth that you can go to in a conversation with him actually the level of depth I can go to in a lot of my, my male mates is great. Like I can have really good conversations with them. Obviously you do with girls anyway. But like, I have really good valid, I feel really hurt when I speak to a lot of my my mates. And again, that's because I'm surrounded by great people. And I think that that's a really important attribute to someone is their ability to listen, to truly listen. not listen to speak, listen to hear. And I think that I have that in a lot of my friends. Which has been super super helpful to me to deal with what I have been going through. But yeah, I found that the switch quite hard. And not only the switch from maternity leave to work, but the switch to get back into health and fitness. I've post pandemic mate like what was it Philip who's stuck in that forever? Like I had blind the hard lockdown. Luckily for us and literally had him on the 19th of September, and the 20th of September or the heart LGA is in Sydney were released which was where my family were so even though they lived not even eight kilometres away, we weren't restricted from seeing them because we weren't in the same LGA. So the next day it was that we could stay within a radius and they were able to see my my son if we met at a park. So that happened a week later. So That was actually really nice. But yeah, having that support and is so, so crucial. And, you know, especially to the mothers that had babies last year, in that time, maybe that was just that would have sucked so bad. Like, it's just so incredibly isolating, and you need that conversation to deal. And it's not even conversation, it's validation. Sometimes you just need to be told by someone if you know, let's let me jump in here. If you know someone who's just had a baby, you need to validate them. Let them know that they're doing a good job. Sometimes, when they complain, and they whinge and what's not even complaining and winching? They're voicing their concerns? Because I tell you what, you just need to do that. When they're voicing their concerns, validate them, remind them that they're doing a good job. Don't try and answer them with stupid requests. Sometimes they don't need, ask the questions. You know, do you want my advice here? Or do you want me to listen, and usually they'll say to listen, because they just need to vent. You just need to get it off your chest. But I found to me that the biggest thing off after Bly is to get back into it, like finding, finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. And even fitness wise and like, I love training, like I love to go to the gym, but it's just constantly, you know, some a kid licence, January has been sick. for like six weeks, you know, we had one good week, went to daycare got COVID back in it again. Like, it's just like, I feel like we are constantly in the grind. So I get really annoyed when someone says, like this meeting, but you need to take time for yourself, you need to remind yourself that you need to put your own oxygen mask on. And I spoke about this in my stories, if anyone saw this recently, but sometimes you literally don't have fucking time to do that. Like it's just especially being in isolation in a lockdown. So wise, like obviously, still baby wakes up three times in the middle of the night, twice in the middle of the night pending on what time we go to bed. Like, you've got no sleep, like, you can't get sleep. You wake up in the daytime, you've got a toddler in demand as well. And mind you attract toilet trained him in that lockdown. So that was that was time well spent. But you've got a toddler that needs your attention. And then you've got a six month of that needs your attention. And then you're balancing between nap times, and you can't leave the house and you're trying to work. It's just like, if I saw just put this aside, I let me tell you right now I stopped working for a week, I did not work the first week. So then you've got work piling up in the background. Luckily, again, I have a team, but you've got work piling up in the background and you're trying to just manage manage the household and even at nighttime when they're in bed and you're like finally I can relax, then that's like that you get interrupted intermittently, like every three hours are going to wake up that it's so hard to have time for yourself. And then you've got to choose what do you do with that time? Are you? Are you cleaning? Are you? Are you bloody doing work? Are you trying to relax? Are you tuning out like it? That's the hardest part like you can't just pick a thing. And then like it's like, oh, the laundry will get done later. But if you're going to do leave that for two weeks, you need clothes, it needs to be done. Like, this is a thing. I think that people need to understand that sometimes when you say things like that's actually more frustrating. I to be honest, I find it quite frustrating because I'm so fucking organised in every aspect of my life. That I just find that when someone says that to me, I'm like, do you honest to god think I'm not trying to do that. Like, it's just so hard and even, you know, planning things. We had a trip planned for all of us to finally go on a family holiday in December. And just conveniently that bloody week, are you going to viruses send us to hospital and shot us out. So bang, there goes that holiday. And I can't tell you the amount of times we've had to cancel things because of her hospital stay or because of a COVID outbreak. And I know multiple people will understand that. But so it's just incredibly frustrating. And so when I try and get back into the swing of things, I've studied nutrition, I know what I need to do I know what I need to do, I'm struggling. And I think for me personally. When when you have been to such a high level of fitness and health, you try and implement that same structure back into a life that no longer can attain that and that's where I'm needing to unlearn things. At the moment. I just need to do what works best. And I spoke to Zoey Morosini, who is an amazing nutritionist who no longer practices, but she's great. And she was talking to me about, you know, habit habitual eating. And, you know, just make sure you have protein. And you know, just do you know, if you're going to have a snack, make sure you have 150 calories or whatever it was that worked for me, everyone has a different, different dietary requirement that worked for me. And just trying to get back into the swing of things. And obviously, me coming back to work helped with aligning that. But it's just, it's a struggle to train and get what you normally would have got done, done quite easily, in a very different, I guess, different ways. So it's unlearning and relearning, again, after another child how to manage, how to manage what you're dealing with. So I guess that brings me to like, the time it's like, when someone says, we all have the same time in a day. That's bullshit. I'm sorry. It's bullshit. Yes, figuratively speaking, we do have the same time in a day. But the, I guess, the emotional load, and the requirements of that time, are different for everyone. We know for a fact that someone that doesn't have children is not going to be impacted by too much. I mean, workshop, social offshore, but nothing that's going to completely throw a spanner in your day. Like a kid would you go to work and all of a sudden, you can sick you've got to go, you've got to stop work you to go pick them up from daycare, they go day ruined, the structures out, the processes are out. Like it's just completely upheaved everything that you thought you were going to do. Even the time in terms of you know, for speaking from my experience, everyone has their own load. But my time was our he was sick in hospital. Yeah, I've got a week, we've all got a week, right? We've all got a week, I was in hospital for four of those seven days, when am I supposed to fit the same amount of time in as someone else. So everyone has their own load, everyone has their own requirements. If you've got one kid, it's easier than having two. If you've got three kids, it's a shit tonne, harder than having to, you know, it's being pulled in different directions. It's age groups. You know, younger kids are quite demanding teenage kids art as well, especially the ones that obviously can't drive yet. And they've got all these social things, sporting activities, extracurricular stuff, like, all of that stuff requires your time. And I know that people will say that you choose your time, of course you choose your time, but what are you going to do stop your children from doing something like, and I know that we need to, we need to put ourselves first, we obviously try and structure in our own things. That way we can get out, get out ownselves, like we've worked out like a fitness schedule that we can stick to. So we know that this time, we're all I'm training. And this time Ryan's training. So that seems to be working for us when we don't have COVID or an illness, I was on a roll and then all of a sudden bang. And the same thing is like, you know, when you've got work requirements, like if you're not, let's face it, you're going to choose something regarding to work over health some of the time, because you need to, you need to make money, like, you know, what are you going to do health is so closely and like intertwined with the way that we live, we need to be healthy to live longer. Sure, but we also need to financially fund that. And this is where it all gets really hazy. So it really pisses me off when someone's like, you know, we all have the same time and because we don't, everyone's different. And, you know, it's I think that we, our identities change as we evolve, and we understand these things better as parents and as business owners, and I think or even as an employee, like after pins after the pandemic. Everyone's changed. You can't tell me you're the same person you were pre pandemic. It's our eyes have been opened, we saw the best and the worst in people with we understand. I guess. We just went through something that we didn't think possible. We still are like, we all this stuff with Russia and Ukraine, like what the hell like to me? I don't know if it's just because I've got children now and I feel like my organs are on the outside of my body. But I feel like the world is just such a dangerous place at the moment. And I can I've actually spoken with people that have said that they're not having children purely because of the predicament that we're in at the moment, which is interest Staying slight? Yeah. So I think the identity shifts that we all deal with. And you know, whether you're a stay at home mom like shit, that's hard like they so hard. And like, I, I don't, I don't know why people think that that's not a job. It's not paid work but shit man it is a hard job, domestic duties and then managing that as a working parent is even harder. And then you've got the guilt of people running, why would you put your kid in care? Like, it's just adult you can't win either way like, this is another conversation about language and how we should change the way that we speak. Because I think that it's just such an emotional load, even father's such an emotional load, or partners, I should say. When someone has a baby, and then you're that other person as well, like, you don't know what to do, you're trying to do with the hormones, you're going through your own things as well. I know I've read a lot of stuff about postnatal depression in my husband before he was born. He thankfully didn't have it. But yeah, men can get it too. I think I know that we also need to pay a lot of attention to women that have had children. But we also need to actually flip the perspective sometimes and just say things outside of our own lens, not when you're in the thick of it more so if you're a supporter, just to check in because you know, someone has a baby, how's mum and baby going, How's mom and baby going, you know, meanwhile, Paul partner over there is absolutely running amok to try and help most of the time anyway. It's today's a bit of a throwdown on, I guess that impact that we go through. And the, I guess the changes that we go through, that I personally, I knew were coming, but did not expect it at full force. And even after the second baby, I think that was a huge, huge hit to me. But stepping back into my role as a business owner, I find my reprieve I really, I love what I do. I love doing what I do. So having that time to step away, and to do something where I feel like I get to do something to contribute to help people is I just find it incredibly rewarding. And it's creative. You know, I'm a creative person, I love to do that. I also think that obviously the pandemic's taken away a lot of that a lot of those races that I loved to do fitness wise, those that competitive nature, so even if they do exist, I'm not wanting to do them because of COVID. But I think things are changing, and the ability to do things like that, again, because I'm such a competitive person. But I guess it's just that it's the real, I guess you have a baby. And it's that identity change. To me that that was the biggest thing. And I think a lot of the time a lot of women don't expect that, or don't realise that. That's, that's what it is. And I guess one of the things that that really got to me was after my first baby Ari was watching her husband Ryan go in and out to the gym, just coming in and out, in and out, in and out, like so unfazed with life, just living life as usual. And I'm sitting there, stuck on the lounge, breastfeeding and just not being able to leave due to you know, you can't go for a run after you've just been birth the child. Whether it's C section or or vaginal, like both of them take you out and when you when you watch someone going to do the things that you love so much, and you just have to just sit back and take the backseat. It's just it's so hard like, and I found that really hard to deal with as well. But I don't know I I think it's absolutely rewarding. It is it really is. But that's not what this conversation is about. And I don't think that we should be sprinkling sugar and everything about motherhood. That's not what I want to do. And I'm not here to dig it under the bus either. I absolutely love being a mom wouldn't change it for the world, but men has built some resilience in me. I have absolutely changed as a person. And not a bad thing. I find it I just find myself a lot more empathetic, a lot more empathetic. And some of the things I remember saying prior to having children, I'm just like, Well, God, you had no idea. So I guess Yeah, I think this is just to everyone. That's and you know, this isn't just for people that have just had children or dealing with young children, or that all of our empty nesters I'm getting so many messages from you know, all my Ladies in their 40s and 50s, that have got kids that are older and sending me stuff about menopause. Like, there we go through that, like Fuck man, like, like, you know, your kid and you like hear some girls go through, you know, we call it puberty. When they're so young, like, I was really lucky, I went through, I got my periods and I was like, late 16, it was 17 it was really late. So I was able to handle it. But when you've got kids that are like, nine, like daddy's intense, like, it's so hard to tell a nine year old, what they're going through, and then you go through later on in life, and you deal with pregnancy, that you're dealing with menopause. And I'm so glad that that's coming to light. There's so much I remember my mom sitting in the car and having hot flashes and like whatever has put the aircon on. It's like, winter. But it's think that, you know, these conversations are so important to have the more obviously around women's health as well, which I'll I'll talk about that later on. But yeah, I just it's I guess it's just a validation to let you know that you will change as a woman. And even as a man, I think that it's important to just recognise that it's a big thing going through stages of life, regardless of you know, whether you've had children or whether you're trying to have children. And if you are trying to have children sending you the biggest love. I know that my sister had fertility issues I've had close friends have fertility issues. And it's actually really hard to watch. People go through that. So I'm hoping that your day comes. But aside from that, I hope you liked my absolutely irrelevant ramblings. It's pretty much what this podcast is about. It's just to open up a discussion about how you felt. So Chuck something up on the feed on the Instagram feed. And you can let me know how you felt, I guess through stages of your life and your identity. I would love to know if there was a key stage in your life where you really felt a pivotal moment. My pivotal moment was definitely Ari's transplant. I mean, having a baby's massive. But that completely changed. Like I just I never felt so attached. Is that the right word? I don't know. I felt like the umbilical cord was reattached. I felt so emotionally connected to my child after that. And I know and obviously emotionally connected to my husband as well. Don't get me wrong. There's been some fights the last couple of years. But that is absolutely normal, especially considering what we've all been through. We've all been through, like including you and I with a pandemic but also what we as a family have been through with health issues and concerns. So I guess I just wanted to give a shout out to everyone that's doing it tough at the moment and to say, I hope you get through it. And I'm not going to offer you any other advice than that because I don't think it's needed. So hope you enjoyed today. And if you absolutely would love to join the conversation, I would love for you to jump on Instagram and shoot me a DM or reply to some of the posts that I've been putting up that will address these concerns. And I will speak to you guys next week. If you enjoyed this episode, then don't forget to head over and rate and review. It helps other women know around. Also, don't forget to follow along on my Instagram page at I am Tara Ladd Oh, www dot Tara ladd.com